


If tomorrow

by agrinwithouthiscat



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Acephobia (kind of ?), Aroflux Character, Asexual Character, Demisexuality, Elounor breakup, Zayn departure talk, alcohol consumption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 06:06:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5573647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agrinwithouthiscat/pseuds/agrinwithouthiscat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s that one thing about him Louis hasn’t told anyone but Zayn. And now that Zayn is gone, he doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it. He knows he shouldn’t be ashamed and he’s trying hard not to be, but it’s not that easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlcoholicWinter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlcoholicWinter/gifts).



> Written for the prompt “Just OT4 feelings about all of them being hurt when Zayn left, and it sparking them all to be honest about their gender and identity and other stuff they've been hiding. Preferably angsty. One of them is Aromantic”
> 
> I hope this fulfills your expectations !

“So, this is how it’s gonna be now, isn’t it ?” Louis asks. “It’s just the four of us ?”

It’s the end of the Dubai show, and as per usual at the end of a leg, they’re spending the evening together. Only this time, instead of being 5, they’re 4. And it’s making Zayn’s departure feel very real. More than when he told them, more than the countless phone calls they had to have with the lawyers and management and the different companies. It’s just the four of them having a drink now.

“Gonna be easier to play FIFA, eh?” Niall tries. Even he’s not really down to joke. It’s a very bitter after-show. Usually, it’s a very happy time, they drink a bit, smoke a joint, occasionally go out but most of all they have fun. This time, it’s just sad and full of tension.

They all cope in very different ways. Harry has been very silent for the past hour, on the couch, texting or looking at god knows what on his phone. He’s not even talking to them. Liam is trying too hard and putting music on and going on and on about that one fan sign that was super funny. Niall doesn’t really engage in conversation, just throwing a comment every now and then. And Louis is bitter. He’s drinking rum and coke over rum and coke. He’s feeling betrayed, he’s hurt and he doesn’t want to pretend. They were best friends, yet he left without a warning. There were signs of course, but Louis didn’t think it was that serious. Zayn was just feeling a bit down, but it was gonna get better. Well he left before it ever could. And now he’s here, with his three other best friends who kinda feel like strangers right now. Not that they’re not close, because they are ! They’re brothers. But sometimes families are dysfunctional, and right now they’re not talking about the elephant in the room and Liam’s efforts to stay positive are really getting on his nerves.

After an hour of awkward conversation, Louis has had enough. After he throws a few harsh (and frankly unfair) comments at Liam’s expenses, Niall intervenes.

“What’s gotten into you, mate ? You’re being kind of mean right now.”

“I don’t see what you’re talking about,” Louis defends himself. “Spare the rod and spoil the child, you know ?”

“Yeah, well, give him a break, would you ? It’s a difficult time for all of us.”

“Don’t worry Ni, I’m used to Tommo’s jokes,” Liam says, trying to lighten the mood. “Plus, I think the past few weeks have been especially difficult, with the break-up and everything. Maybe you should find yourself a girl to shag, you know, to loosen up a bit.”

“Shut up” Louis mutters, so quietly he thinks no one will hear it.

Liam clearly misheard him because he goes on. “Oh don’t worry, I’m sure someone could get you the room number of that cute brunette we saw in the lounge earlier.”

“I told you to shut up.” Louis repeats, calmly.

Everyone turns to him with wide eyes. They know alcohol makes him ruthless when he’s angry but that was a bit harsh. He’s never that agressive with them, especially with Liam, who gets upset when people are mad at him.

“You okay, Lou ?” The question comes from the couch.

“Why would I be ? My best friend’s gone without saying a word, that’s like the first time you’ve acknowledged us in the past two hours, Liam is being a dick and Niall’s defending him,” he goes on. He knows he’s being unfair but he doesn’t really care at this point.

“How was I being a dick ?” Liam asks. “I’m trying to lighten up the mood when you three are looking like you’re ready to die.”

“Oh yeah ? ‘You seem mad so you should fuck someone ?’ What the hell is that ?”

“It was just a joke, mate, I’m sorry if that offended you or something,” Liam says.

Oh no. They all know that tone. It’s the tone Liam uses when he’s getting defensive. And they all know that angry Louis and defensive Liam don’t mix up well.

“Well, yes, it did bloody offend me,” Louis snaps. “And I’d appreciate if you’d just shut up now.”

“You know what, man ? It’s not my fault Zayn and Eleanor left you. If you don’t want everyone else to leave maybe you should take better care of the people around you.”

At that, Louis stands up, take the rum bottle and leaves the room.

Niall and Harry turn to Liam in disbelief. “That was a bit harsh, man,” Niall says.

“Well, I’m trying my best to lift everyone’s mood and you’re all making no effort. He was being rude.”

“That’s no excuse Liam,” Harry states. “You should go apologize.”

\-----------------

Back in his room, Louis forgets all pretenses and drinks his rum straight out of the bottle. He doesn’t really like it this way but at least the burn in his mouth makes him forget how much Liam’s words hurt. It hurts because it’s unfair, he knows Zayn didn’t leave because of him. It also hurts because it might be true. Maybe he doesn’t know how to take care about the people that love him. Isn’t that what Eleanor told him when leaving ?

See, there’s that one thing about him he hasn’t told anyone but Zayn. And now that Zayn is gone and seems like he wants to take his distance, he doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it. He knows he shouldn’t be ashamed and he’s trying hard not to be, but it’s not that easy.

He’s still deep in thought when he hears a tentative knock on the door. He doesn’t answer.

“Mate ? I’m here to apologize, I’m so sorry,” he hears Liam say.

He opens the door without a word. He’s too tired to fight. Niall and Harry are right by Liam’s side.

“Listen man, I’m really sorry about everything I said, I didn’t mean it, I know Zayn didn’t leave because of you and I know you refuse to talk about Eleanor but I’m sure you took good care of her. It’s a difficult time for all of us and we don’t all react the same way. I was just trying to make things better.”

“Yeah, well, that’s a success apparently,” Louis mumbles.

“Lou, please, he came here to apologize,” Niall says.

“Yeah, well, I was kind of a dick too I guess?” Louis offers. It’s as good an apology as he can provide right now.

“Come on, let’s hug it out.” It’s one of the quickest and coldest hugs Louis has ever given Liam. He may have apologized but Liam’s words hurt him more than Louis cares to admit.

The atmosphere is still very strained. Now it’s Louis that’s not talking, so Harry proposes they play any kind of video game to ease up the tension. He knows Louis’ sense of competition will save him from thinking too much about what happened earlier. They settle for Mario Kart and kind of let Louis win. He knows it but for some reason he doesn’t care that much. He feels numb.

\--------------

A couple of hours later, they’re ready to call it a night although it’s barely midnight. The evening has been exhausting for all of them and the alcohol hasn’t helped.

As they’re ready to exit Louis’ room, Liam apologizes one more time.

“About earlier, I’m really sorry man, I mean it.”

“Ah don’t worry, it’s not like you’re the only who thinks I’m a bad boyfriend, so...” Louis answers.

“Don’t say that mate, you’re a great person” Niall tries to reassure him.

“Yeah, well, not according to El,” Louis says with a self-depreciating laugh. He realizes it’s actually the first time he’s mentioning the break-up to the three of them.

“What do you mean ?” Harry asks carefully.

“Apparently I didn’t love her the right way, or the way she needed me to or some shit.”

“She probably didn’t mean that, you were always so considerate with her.”

“Yeah well, that wasn’t enough apparently.”

“Maybe it was just the long-distance thing, I know it's difficult for me and Soph sometimes,” Liam offers.

“I think long-distance was actually the best thing to happen to us,” Louis says.

“How ?” Niall asks.

“Well at least when she wasn’t there she didn’t have to think about how I wasn’t pleasing her or some shit.”

Wow. None of them saw that coming. It’s true Louis was always quiet about his sex life, but they all were in their own way.

“Well if she left you because she didn’t like the sex she’s an arsehole,” Harry says.

“Oh no. It’s not her that didn’t like the sex.” Louis can feel their questioning looks. “It’s me that’s the problem. I fucking hate sex. There. I said it. Go on and tell me I’m not normal, too.” He finishes his glass in one gulp, still refusing to look at any of the boys.

“Hey, we would never say that, we don’t care what you do or don’t want to do with your dick,” Niall answers. “You do you.” He seems completely unbothered.

Liam looks like he has at least a dozen questions but doesn’t know where to begin without offending Louis.

“What do you mean you hate sex ?” he asks. That seems like a safe enough question. “I mean, obviously I don’t care, I just want to understand,” he adds.

“I don’t know, it’s not that I hate it really, it’s that I couldn’t care less ? It’s like doing the dishes. Like whenever I’m having sex I’m thinking about something else and I wish I was doing anything else. At least when we were long distance I didn’t have to think about it and I had all of the other good aspects of the relationship.”

Harry is looking at Louis with a strange intensity. It almost feels like he’s getting emotional.

“Do you maybe identify as asexual?” He asks carefully.

Louis head snaps. “Hum, yes ? How do you know what that is ?”

“I’m ace, too. And aro,” Harry explains. “Well, technically I’m pan demi-ace aroflux but that’s a bit complicated, I prefer to say I’m aroace.”

“Wow. Wow.” Louis pauses. “I... had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me ?”

“Why didn’t _you_ tell _me_?” Harry counters.

“I get your point,” Louis concedes. “I only told Zayn, I had no idea...”

At that, a confused Liam intervenes. “Am I the only one that doesn’t understand a thing ?” he asks.

“Nah mate, I’m lost, too,” Niall answers.

“Uhm, okay so that’s a bit complicated,” Louis begins. “I’m asexual but you can say ace, that means I’m not sexually attracted to people. Which is partly why I don’t care for sex, because like, I don’t get sexual feelings for people. Which is also why El didn’t think I actually loved her. Because you know, a majority of people feel sexually attracted to their partner.”

“And I’m asexual, too, and aromantic, which means I’m also not attracted romantically to people, I don’t want a romantic relationship with anyone.” Harry explains. “Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that actually, but maybe we should save that for another day.” There’s no way they could understand everything in one night. At least, now, Louis knows and that’s also a big relief.

“Wait, no, can you explain exactly what you are ?” Niall asks. “I had no idea people feeling like that had a name, I’m interested,” he adds.

“Okay, so hum ? I’m pan meaning I’m attracted to all genders. But I’m also demi-asexual, which means that I only get sexually attracted to people after I feel close to them, does that make sense ? And I’m aroflux, meaning that my romantic attraction fluctuates. Like, sometimes I’ll feel romantically attracted to people and sometimes not.”

“Isn’t that like, normal ?” Liam asks. “Like when I’m single I don’t automatically want a relationship with everyone I see.”

Louis sighs. He feels sorry for Harry.

“Hum, not exactly ? Like, when I’m in a relationship, there are periods of time where I’m comfortable with it and then others where I don’t actually want a relationship with the person ? Which doesn’t mean I don’t love them ?”

Liam frowns. He’s obviously not getting it, so Louis decides to chime in. “Okay, I’m not aroflux but I’ll try to explain. Instead of thinking about relationships, think about chocolate. You like chocolate, always. So when you see a dessert that has chocolate you automatically take that one. And you kind of assume everyone likes chocolate. An aromantic is someone who doesn’t like chocolate at all. You think it’s kinda weird but it’s like that, some people just don’t like it and never want to have it. For Harry, it depends. Some days, he likes chocolate and wants it, some days he doesn’t. And the period can be from various lengths. Like sometimes he’ll crave chocolate for a week and then for a month he’ll be disgusted by it. Which doesn’t mean he can’t ever love it again. And sometimes he’ll bake a chocolate cake even when he doesn’t want to eat it.”

Harry tilts his head. “Yeah, that’s the basic idea.”

“Mmh.” Liam looks concentrated. “I think I get the idea. But like, why do you need a word for it ? don’t care if you like chocolate or not .”

“Well, you might not, but when the whole world tells you everyone loves chocolate and always wants to have it, it’s weird to realize you might not like it as much or want it as often as everyone,” Harry says. “The word is just here to describe that.”

“Okay, and about that demi thing ?” Niall asks. “It’s like, the only people you want to have sex with are already your friends or something ?”

“Uhm, not really,” Harry says. “It’s like, I don’t get sexually attracted to strangers. Like I won’t see someone in the street and go ‘oh, I’d do you’. I need to know the person in some way and we have a bond or something, then I might want to have sex with them. But it’s not automatic.”

He looks so tired. Louis takes his hand and squeezes it. He knows how difficult it is to come to terms with that kind of things, and how difficult it is to explain to people. He also knows that it’s going to be easier for the both of them now that they know they’re not alone. And they might get to educate a few people along the way.

 

\------------

When they’re finally ready to say good night, they all hug a bit longer than usual. When squeezing Louis hard in his arms, Niall mutters, “I love you, man. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not a good person based on how much you want to shag them. You’re a hell of a person and a hell of a friend.” Louis smiles in Niall’s shoulder. He’s ready to let go of the hug when Niall adds, “Also ? I think I need to reflect on that, but I may have eaten chocolate my whole life because people told me how good it tasted. I’m not sure I’ve ever liked it just as much as anyone else, and I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
